Don’t Focus On Your Family
All around us, families are struggling to keep up with the American Dream. Often existing with no sense of purpose other than their own fulfillment resulting in broken hearts, broken homes, broken lives…and that’s just the pastors! It’s no wonder our families, and churches, have been blinded by complacency to the needs of this world.
In fact, one study revealed that the clergy have the second highest divorce rate among all professions. Think about that! I personally know a number of pastors and church planters who’ve pursued their ministry at the expense of their families. This is tragic, but there is a better way.
What if families were awakened to join God in his mission in the world? And…
What if we took our families along for the ride and loved them along the way?
How would that impact marriages?
How would that shape children?
How would that heal relationships?
How would that ignite churches?
In 2005, my then eight-year-old son, Reece, said five words that God used to spark a revolution in my soul which eventually compelled our family into the wild adventure of planting a church.
He and I went for a walk at a local park and discussed his desire to be baptized. He loved Jesus and wanted to take his next step in following him. Not being a pastor at the time, I asked him, “Who would you like to baptize you?” Thinking he would name one of the several pastors we knew, he caught me off-guard when he bluntly replied, “But Dad, you’re my pastor.”
I paused for a moment, put my arm around him, and smiled. He was right. Without realizing it, my son had stumbled upon a glorious truth from the scriptures. In 1 Timothy 3, Paul lays down the musts to be a leader in the church. His big qualifier? To lead a church one must lead their family well. As he states in verse five, “If someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” One implication of this is that every family is a congregation and the parents are the pastors.
I don’t know about you, but as a parent, that’s quite the responsibility. Parents have the tremendous opportunity to shape the future. Like churches, families can either be internally-focused, seeking the well-being of themselves, or be externally-focused, seeking the well-being of others.
The question is, in what direction are we leading our families?
If we want to live out God’s eternal purpose for our churches, we must return to his original intention for the family. We must love Jesus and be so compelled and saturated by the gospel we can’t help but be good news to this world.
Unfortunately, the church today has bought into two illusions have thrown our trajectory off-course and blinded us to magnificent joy of joining God in his mission in the world.
Illusion #1 – The “safe for the whole family” approach
When Disney released the motion picture, “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” it was heralded by Christians everywhere as being safe for the whole family. Based on the classic book by C.S. Lewis, the film portrays the adventures of four children in the magical kingdom of Narnia. Jesus is represented by the mighty lion, Aslan, and in the story, the children meet Mr and Mrs Beaver who describe the regal lion to them.
“Is he a man?” asked Lucy.
“Aslan a man!” said Mr Beaver sternly. Certainly not. I tell you he is King of the wood and the son of the great emperor-beyond- the-sea. Don’t you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great lion.”
“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”
“That you will, dearie, and no mistake” said Mrs Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”
“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
Ironically, if you type the words, “safe for the whole family” into Google, the top results are primarily Christian-related. Talk about misleading marketing! We’re encouraged to protect, shelter, and defend our families against this sin of this world forgetting the sin that resides in our own hearts, homes, and (gasp) churches. We cover their eyes to messy stories, people, and news forgetting the messy stories, people, and news contained in the holy scriptures.
What’s particularly misguided is the notion that following Jesus is harmless. Nothing could be further from the truth! Loving God and our neighbor as ourselves is daring, messy, and wonderful— all at the same time. The one thing it is not, is safe.
As Dorothy Sayers so eloquently put it, “We have very efficiently pared the claws of the Lion of Judah, certified him ‘meek and mild,’ and recommended him as a fitting household pet for pale curates and pious old ladies. To those who knew him, however, he in no way suggests a milk-and-water person; they objected to him as a dangerous firebrand.”
I want my children to know the real Jesus and follow in his footsteps. Following Jesus often leads us into places that are uncomfortable or even dangerous, but God promises to be with us and see us through.
Illusion #2 – The “focus on your family” mindset
If the church is like family and the family is like a church, then the focus of our families is not to focus on our family. We have a better reason for existing: God and his mission in the world.
What churches are discovering, or better said, rediscovering, is that we grow as we go. The same is true for families.
As a parent, I take seriously Proverbs 22:6 where we’re instructed to “Point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost.” Together, my wife and I agree that the way we will train our children is to point them to Jesus and his mission in the world.
According to the United Way, families who serve together experience the following benefits:
- Awareness of social issues and a new perspective on the world
- A way to pass on family values to children
- Discovery and development of knowledge, skills, and talents
- Quality time for the family to spend together
- Increase in interpersonal communication and ability to solve problems.
- A habit of service that’s passed on to the next generation
The byproduct of a family on mission is a united family with a sense of purpose. If you feel distant from your spouse, if you want to have a better relationship with your children, be on mission together! A common cause builds a unique bond that can’t be manufactured, only experienced.
I learned this from my parents. They were missional before missional was cool. One tradition they began was to wake up early every Christmas morning to cook and serve breakfast at our local rescue mission. When I had my own family and returned to my hometown, we joined them. Now, when most children wake up on Christmas morning and leap from their beds to open presents, my children think it’s normal to get up really early, sweat it out in a kitchen, and serve others with a cheerful heart before we go home and exchange gifts. I’m thankful for the example my parents gave and it’s being passed on to the next generation.
My family is far from perfect, but we’re learning that our family is more harmonious when we take our focus off of our family and onto something bigger than us—the glory of God and the good of this world. (Here’s a recent example of what this looks like for our family)
In his book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years“, Donald Miller tells a powerful story titled “How Jason Saved His Family” which illustrates the power of this concept.
Donald meets up with his friend, Jason, who was having major problems with his thirteen-year-old daughter. Pot was discovered hidden in her closet and she was dating a real loser of a guy.
Jason and his wife try grounding her, but things spiral. Donald suggests something that gets Jason’s attention. He tells him that his daughter is living a terrible story. He explains that the elements of a story involve a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. He tells Jason, “She’s just not living a very good story. She’s caught up in a bad one.”
Months later, Donald runs into Jason and asks about his daughter. “’She’s better,’ he says to me, smiling. And when I ask why, he tells me his family is living a better story.”
After Jason and Donald first talk, Jason goes home and thinks about the story his family is living and the role his daughter is playing in that story. He realizes he hasn’t mapped out a story for his family or provided a better role for his daughter. So his daughter chose her own story. A story of rebellion and independence.
Jason decides to stop yelling at his daughter and create a better story to invite her into. After doing some online research he decides his family is going to focus on orphans. He calls a family meeting and springs on his wife and daughter that their family is going to give the $25,000 to build an orphanage in Mexico. And he tells them that he has already committed to building it.
It didn’t go over so well initially.
They had no money and just took out a second mortgage on their home. That evening, Jason and his wife were lying in bed and he begins to explain the story concept. He talks about how they aren’t taking risks, aren’t helping anybody, and how their daughter is wrapped up in the wrong story. The next day Jason’s wife puts her arms around him and says she is proud of him.
Jason’s daughter was also initially upset, but later decides she wants to go to Mexico to meet the kids. She also breaks up with her loser boyfriend. She gets wrapped up in a better story.
When Don asked what made the differences, Jason replies, “No girl who plays the role of a hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is. She just forgot for a little while.”
If we’re going to shift from a safe for the whole family mindset to a families on mission movement, we need to invite our families into a better story. As a whole, this generation is more passionate about social injustices than any other in recent history. What a prime opportunity! Let’s follow Jesus, take our children along for the ride, and love them along the way.
Imagine the impact. On marriages, children, churches, cities, and the world.
God is renewing all things, and that includes the family. When the family is renewed, so is the Church. When the Church is renewed, so is the world.
And it all begins at home in your mini-church called family.
Lead well.
