If It Be Your Will
Not too long ago, I preached on fear and anxiety.
Weeks later, I was full of fear and anxiety.
As the neurologist looked at my MRI, he saw the problem.
“Looks like you’ve got a ruptured disc between your c6 and c7 vertebrae in your neck that’s hitting a nerve.”
He then went on to tell me,
“What we’re going to do is make an incision in your throat, take out the disc, fuse the two vertebrae together, and screw in some metal plates.”
He then began to talk about the risks and the slight potential of being paralyzed from the neck down.
This wasn’t exactly great news, but it was what he said next that caught me off-guard.
He began discussing the greater chance that I could experience the loss of my voice because of the procedure.
It could be permanent, it could be long-term, it could return raspy, or most likely, once the swelling dies down, it could return to normal.
Not what you want to hear when your voice is your livelihood.
Now, I could lie, act all super spiritual, and tell you that I immediately trusted God and left the neurologists’ office without a care in the world.
But the truth is, I walked to my car, closed the door, laid my head on the steering wheel, and wept.
I was afraid.
The idea of losing my voice felt like losing a friend.
It hurt.
I’m sure you, a reasonable reader, can probably determine that the odds of losing my voice is quite small, yet that’s the very thing I chose to focus on.
Worrying has a way of turning a pebble into Pikes Peak.
Not in reality, but in our minds.
And that’s what was happening to me.
Most of my hopes and dreams involve my ability to speak.
So I prayed.
I prayed that God would let me keep my voice.
As I prayed, the thought occurred to me, “What if God doesn’t want me to have a voice?”
Perhaps He doesn’t?
Perhaps He does?
Then a bigger question popped into my mind, or rather, my heart:
“Do you trust me?”
That’s the real question I’ve been wrestling with.
I know the right answer…
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Phil. 4:6)
…and I’m learning to live in light of it.
In a couple of weeks, I’ll go in for the neck fusion surgery.
I’m ready to have this great pain in my neck, shoulders, and back removed.
I’m looking forward to the numbness in my left arm to be gone and to feel my fingers again.
And I’m hoping my voice returns.
Who knows, it might even be smoother and sexier than ever. 
But the greater surgery is what’s happening in my heart.
God taking his rightful place.
My hopes resting in my Great Hope.
Not in my voice or anything else.
Just him.
I know He loves me.
I know He’s mighty.
I know He’s in control.
It’s time to live like I do.
One of my favorite musical artists is Leonard Cohen.
He wrote a song titled, “If It Be Your Will” (Listen)
I’ve always loved it, and in this moment of my life, it’s taken on a deeper meaning.
Perhaps it will resonate with you as well.
‘If It Be Your Will” by Leonard Cohen
If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was beforeI will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your willIf it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to youFrom this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me singFrom this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me singIf it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoiceLet your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us wellAnd draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of lightIn our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your willIf it be your will
Amen
Dude, this is one amazing blog post. I appreciate your honest AND your courage. The lyrics were very moving too. I’ll definitely be praying for you. I trust that He is going to take care of you in every way. Please keep me/us updated.
I appreciate it Tony.
Thank you for your heartfelt perspective!
Thanks for reading.
wow….we wish you the best and we’ll be praying for you
Thanks for the prayers Jacob.
Jason,
Wow! Beautifully honest, transparent, and pointing to the hope that we all have in Christ. I will be praying for you and for your brother. You will have a voice, no matter what the impact the surgery has on you.
Peace,
Neil
That means a lot Neil. I appreciate your words.
Wow–excellent post from your heart. Will be praying for you. I hope you keep us updated!
I’ll do my best Rindy. Thanks.
Thanks Jason. I really needed to hear this. Loved the honesty and humor. Grace and peace brother.
LT
Hey LT. Thanks for dropping by and for your words brother. Be well.
Bro, meaningful post. Thanks. Prayers for your surgery…
Thanks roomie.
Thanks for modeling the honesty so desperately needed in our churches!
We have latched on to an illustration around here. It goes like this. In old timey coffee shops peoples cups hang in a certain place and when they come in they grab it to use. Similarly in many Houses of worship when people enter they find their mask and put it on then hang it back up when they leave.
Thanks for removing the mask both here and in real life. Know that we are praying for you to be completely healed.
Great illustration. I’m learning to remove the mask.
Thanks for the prayers.
Amen to that on both counts. Believing for a resolution and end to your physical struggles and also thanking you for your incredible voice and the humility which you offer it up that so resonates with me… and obviously, so many others. You are a gift!
Thanks for your friendship, prayers, and encouragement Shawn.
Thanks for the amazingly honest and transparent post.
Unfortunately, society talks about being real and transparent, but the reality is that this transparency is only acceptable at a shallow level.
This post probably resonated with so many people in a way that they are afraid to admit openly.